charlieFlii

New years resolution

2011-01-12T18:23:00.000-08:00

i've been sooo MIA but since i'm here now i figure i'd talk about my new years resolution. this year i really didn't have any. last year i wanted to lose wt and i did, i worked really hard and lost the weigh i had been wanting to for a while. it was wonderful! the satisfaction of having my OWN clothes fit is amazing! of course i put the weight right back on tho... THAT sucked! then i worked my ass off- even hard than before- and lost some of it only to put it right back on again! it was horrible. from it all i've learned that if i really want to be thinner i just need to suck it up and be a gym rat. sounds horrible huh? who hates the gym??? I FREAKING DO! LOL! but i am always game for a challenge especially when it's against myself. i read this somewhere "the only person standing in my way is me and i can take her!" that's how i feel about it in a nutshell. last year i also wanted to be wiser- stop wasting time on and with people who don't matter. i did that. it pissed off a lot of people and at times made me feel bad about it but overall- it was great!! all the drama in my life left with these people who now that i really think about it, were never really my friends to begin with!

my new years resolution for 2011 are as follows
1. do not be an ignore patient
2. no more excuses- call it for what it is
3. be happy

last year i was diagnosed with a chronic disease. it was devastating. i'm in health care so i know a bit about this disease and that there's no cure. my specialist, who is wonderful by the way, educated me a lot and i had to do a lot of research on my own to to learn everything i could about it. it was hard and really confusing and i was sad the entire time but i did it because of my #1 resolution. i have to know what it is my body is battling. i have to make it my priority to take care of myself and my health before i place that same burden on anyone else including my doctor. i feel strongly about that because i do believe that it is my responsibility and knowledge is power. i will be on medication for the rest of my life so that's devastating in itself but i think i'm done with the pity party LOL! which brings me to my resolution #2. it is what it is! this extents to other aspects of my life as well but it stems from this disease discovery. i can pity myself (and believe me i can do this forever) or i can accept it as it is and work with it. my resolution #3 should be every one's resolution! we need more happiness in the world. yes, life can suck and it's hard and challenging- believe me i know- but never forget to take a breath and enjoy the ride. we are very fortunate in our own ways- very fortunate so don't over look it!

to a wonderful year - xoxo

(oh yah i got a camera for xmas so i may have random pictures here and there!)

the need to understand

2011-01-12T17:56:00.000-08:00

it's been forever since i've written here. i was getting side tracked with life and such you know. anywho on with my question...

i have a girlfriend who's bf just broke up with her recently. the breakup was sudden for her but the truth is it's been coming for quite a while now so it wasn't that big a surprise. as an outsider, it was apparent that he checked out of the relationship a long time ago. he started talking to her less, wanting to do things with her less, he started partying/clubbing with other random people very frequently, staying out all hours of the night, they weren't even intimate anymore and were fighting a lot for over a good year now... so you see, from my perspective- he's been outta this relationship for a long time. he just finally had the balls to tell her.

my gf- whom i love dearly- wants him back and is waiting for him "to see how great she is" and to ask for her back... did i say i love her? BC i do love her but i do not understand her and i wish i could.

throughout my life i've experience this event numerous times and i have to say, each time it leaves me speechless. i really don't understand why girls are so willing to forgive and forget especially when it comes to men (like the above) who doesn't deserve it. (he doesn't deserve it because well, it's quite simple- he doesn't want it and he doesn't value it.) women even forgive cheaters!!! which is horrendous!!! i am often left feeling like a child naive to relationships and love because i don't understand such things but in reality i'm actually not (THAT naive). i've been in relationship... LONG term relationships...even the whole soul-connecting-orgasmic love making-best friend-relationships...and yet i still don't understand.

is it a self esteem thing? a childhood lacking love thus as an adult, women seek that missing love? or is it that that's just acceptable or even standard (GASP!!!) love?

(truthfully if this was me and the bf came asking for me back, i'd smack him- not physically of course but mentally and HARD- for the insult.)

busy

2010-11-03T22:05:00.000-07:00

it's been forever since i've blogged... i've just been sooo incredibly busy these days. i will resume when time permits

Giveaways!!

2010-11-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

go check out witoxicity's KOH giveaway!!

http://www.witoxicity.com/2010/11/giveaway-koh-and-co.html

yah

2010-08-02T23:56:00.000-07:00

i love my friends! HEHEHEHEEE they know me sooo well. i love when they feel like getting me a gift (bday,xmas, celebrations..etc) they get me gift certificates to MAC or Sephora or MACYS! i LOVE LOVE LOVE gift certificates!!!!!!!! best gifts in the world!! =))))

wrinkles...

2010-07-27T00:08:00.000-07:00

i've been really enjoying me time.... LOL.... i tend to blog when i don't want to study, think, or anything i am told/suppose to do... that's when i blog...soooo i haven't been blogging because well, it's been a lovely (HOT) summer.

in the last year i've noticed wrinkles and bags around the right eye area. it was depressing (esp bc i don't think i'm that old)... but i dealt with them--> wrinkle cream, night cream, retinol cream...there was a point when i was desperate and just put cocoa butter on my face before bed... the creams were ok... i tried Benefiance Concentrated, Philosophy's hope in a tube, Lancome's Advanced Night repair...honestly, i didn't see a difference. the wrinkles were still there every morning and i used these products for a good 6 months... sad huh? the cocoa butter actually made my skin super soft and pump looking but it was such a mess bc it took longer for my skin to absorb it and thus some of it always got on my pillow... but hey it did help...

a couple of weeks ago, after a mask (clean and clear's remove blackhead mask- i like it!), i noticed the wrinkles were gone!! the bags were gone too!! like GONE! i even forced myself to smile hard (like a lunatic LOL) but the wrinkles didn't come back... so i think i've figured it out. the wrinkles were always worse on my right eye bc i sleep om my right side. it's summer and i've been sleeping on my left side (side sleeper) and so there's new wrinkles on my left side... so for the last week i've been sleeping on my back (hard but i'm totally doing it) and the wrinkles on the left side are almost gone!! of course this is a mere observation- it's not evidence based so yah, take it for what it's worth but try it! it's free!! =) ( i knew i wasn't THAT old lol)

it's summer and i'm getting a lot of sleep (10 hrs!!) so the bags are gone. i heart summer... i'm sad it's coming to an end...

whirlwind of life

2010-05-27T00:55:00.000-07:00

yesterday our fabulous condo was not so fabulous... the washer malfunctioned while i was doing laundry and the entire kitchen, hall way, almost half the living room and parts of the room i'm in got wet. of course this happened at 11pm so after the plumber and carpet cleaning guy left it was well into the morning... the place is back to being a-ok now but MAN, i had to be at the hospital (working) at 8am this morning and i just got home (from the hospital) a 8:40pm.... it was seriously the longest day of my life! there was a moment when i was seriously passing out and had to fight to keep my eyes open! soooo glad the day is over!! soooo GLAD the carpet is dry!

ok on a lighter note i order the emjoi light caress cordless from HauteLook and have been using it for like 3 weeks now. once i have some time i will definitely review it!! i will also review Laura Mercier's Hydrating foundation primer, smashbox's photofinish primer (the green one- corrects redness), and a comparison between 3 mineral foundations: Bare essential, everyday mineral, and UD's surreal mineral foundation...

i like doing reviews bc i personally like reviews. i like reading consumer opinions on products. it makes me feel like i'm an informed consumer! =)

my life

2010-05-19T04:31:00.001-07:00

i am always blogging about my life... sad....maybe...idk....but here goes....

i'm going on vacation with my friends in like 2 days. one girlfriend invited her bf (my hubby is not coming) and so our 2bedroom 2 bathroom condo is now going to house 5 of us. the couple automatically assumed they'd get one room to themselves.... and obvious one of us 3 remaining will be stuck on the couch... and we're not happy over it.... the gf w the bf is upset that we wouldn't offer them the room and i told her it was bc we're all paying the same amt soooo it's not fair to the 3 of us. i know we're not being exactly understanding the way friends should be but NONE of us want to get on the couch while on vacation bc the bf came along.... but i do want to be understanding and i do want to be fair... and i guess i don't care if i get the couch....i really don't care. this just isn't going as swell as it was suppose to...

and i want to have a good time on vacation. i don't want tension. i want us all to enjoy it. that is NOW the challenge...

another run at it

2010-05-18T04:59:00.000-07:00

i'm silly- i know. LOL. it's summer. school is finally out. i can eat and sleep like a normal person again. sooo i am going to take another run at losing 10 lbs! i'm super pumped up! i'm ready mentally and physically (hopefully). LOL!

i'm always like this. i have burst of motivation and i get overly ambitious and over work myself but but i do it because i enjoy the challenge. it's a personal challenge and i love them! (philosophy of life: you can't control everything that happens to you or around you- but you sure can control yourself!) i want to know that i can do things i set my mind on especially if it involves will power! (again- "burst"- LOL)

so for the satisfaction of completing a personal goal and of course- fashion!!! here goes nothing! =)

product comparisons

2010-05-18T02:00:00.000-07:00

mineral foundation comparisons: Bare Minerals vs Everyday Minerals vs Urban Decay Surreal Skin Mineral

i'm not home right now so i don't have the exact shade of any of these products with me (i will add it later)

Bare Minerals----> 3.5 stars
the good: the coverage is good. it's very easy to use. i know it can be messy (new packaging makes it less messy!) but it's easy to blend and buff. it takes less than 2 mins to buff it on and you're ready to go and it will still look good and even (not blotchy- assuming you have the correct shade for yourself). another good thing- this product comes in a variety of shades. it's also not too heavy so you won't feel it on too much.

the bad: the coverage is good- not GREAT. i definitely still see some of my flaws. although it looks very natural it does give my skin an oily look to it. on some people it's a dewy glow but on me, it's more oily than dewy. it last a good 6 hrs but yes you do need to touchup!

overall: i like this product- i don't love it. it is my fail safe mineral foundation (simply bc i haven't found a better one) so i do have it and if i need/want (when do i ever really need makeup LOL) i have and will continue re-order.

New Packaging (i have this one)

Everday Minerals------> 4 star

i ordered the sample set and then 2 other shades of foundation but again i'm not home so i can't tell you guys what the shades are.

the good: the coverage is GREAT! i got both the matter and intense formulation but both had very similar coverage. it really did cover everything! it's also very easy to use/blend. it's way more affordable than bare minerals (bare minerals full size is $25 and everyday minerals full size is $12 and it's bigger than the bare minerals). the sample size is a 5 gram jar i think but it does last a good week or two if you use it everyday so imagine how long the full size will last you! there is also a wide range of shades but their naming system is confusing so you should definitely order a sample set first before committing to a full size. (oder one sample shade then add to your basket a set of samples and the set will be free- if you don't order one sample size and just order the sample set then the set is $5-one sample is $2.50 so yah this is the better deal!)

the bad: this foundation is heavy. you definitely feel it. it's not super heavy but definitely heavier than the bare minerals. it also makes me look oily so i have to blot throughout the day. the foundation last maybe 6 hrs. if you have oily skin, i wouldn't recommend this. i think it could make you break out.

overall: i love the price. i love the coverage. i don't like how heavy it is though but bc it is cheaper than bare minerals and i would re-purchase it as my new back up mineral foundation.

UD Surreal Mineral Foundation---->2 stars

i was really disappointed w this foundation especially bc i had had such high hopes for it. a gf of mine uses it and loves it so naturally i wanted to try it out. (i'm always looking for the best of everything). i got it from hautelook.com so it was only $7 and not the retail $30 or i would have cried. LOL! (bc i'm telling you, i really had high hopes for this one- i love UD!) there's not much good about this product other than it is very light. you won't feel it and it does look very nautral. however the coverage is just ok- not even good. you have to really layer it on to get good coverage. the built in applicator sorta sucks too. you take off the cap then twist the top and start patting it on your face. the problem i had w this process is that it's mineral so patting it on - in hopes of an even coverage- is HARD! it's hard to get into the corners or your nose and eyes! it also takes a while to do this so i can't use this if i'm on the go. you can kind of buff it on your face but since so little product comes out it's just pointless. there's also no real way to clean the applicator so i can imagine how nasty it can get. i ened up just taking the whole thing apart and pouring some of the mineral into another container (from ben franklin's) and dipping my kabuki brush into it. it was easier this way and if i wanted to use it as a concealor i just switched brushes. if someone knows how to use it... let me know!

overall: no i'm not buying this again. it was nice to try and especially for $7 but no.. =(

MAC 130 brush

i went to the MAC counter looking for the 188 but they were out and so i ended up w this one ($38). i've had it for a month now... and i LOVE it! so far no fall outs (i've had some fall outs w other MAC brushes). i used it to apply my MF HD foundation and it does a wonderful job! it's better than the 187! the bristles are shorter and more compact so you have more control with foundation application (and i get the coverag i want)! the 187 has longer bristles and is loose so yah it's a different finish.

hope it helps!

YouTube

2010-05-17T06:09:00.000-07:00

i love youtube! LOL! i swear there isn't a thing out there YouTube can't teach me!

anywho... i came across this video by Enkore and i loved it sooo much and wanted to share it with you guys!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJAWVneXoas

Enkore does an amazing job of explaining and showing you exactly what to do and how to conceal any scars you may have with beauty products that most people have already! i hope you guys enjoy it!!!

girl issue

2010-04-28T04:13:00.000-07:00

ranting.... heads up...

i have a HUGE problem with fake girls. the girls who pretend to be your friend to your face (they even really go out of their way to do it) but behind your back they say all kinds of crap about you... i will never understand it!! it might be because i'm too lazy to try to understand it but seriously- why bother with the effort? it really does take EFFORT to be two faced like that. it's easier to just do your own thing and be yourself. you're not going to get along with everyone you meet even if you try because well, people are just different. just be mature about it and be cordial. right??again i will never understand it.

i'm venting because there's these girls ... small circle of friends... and they're like this... and everything they've ever said about me to our mutual friend got back to me (obviously!) and i'm tired of trying to be "friends" with them. i just want to ignore them. i don't care about them. i could care less if we're friends or not. i just don't want drama. Saddest thing about this is that these girls are in their 30s!!! (way older than me!!)

ok i'm done.

wishlist

2010-04-27T23:44:00.000-07:00

here's a list of things i want and i'm going to keep adding to this list until i get them. i'm posting this for myself mainly so that i don't forget...LOL

Lux shampoo
-i have mega dry hair and have been wanting to try this for while but of course i can't find it anywhere...sad

The Face shop's SnowWhite Nose pad!!
-i want this sooo bad but of course i'm on the west coast not east... damn!

Versace's Versus perfume
-smells great -want it! summer! hopefully...

Nars SO Famous Set
-i've never tried Nars... not sure why either....

review- again

2010-04-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

Philosphy's microdelivery peel --> 4 star
- i've been using it for over a month now. i've been wanting to try it for a while now but couldn't justify the $65 before... then everything changed because i started to break out!! (i normally don't break out) it was horrible. my temples, cheeks, and especially my chin and they we're cystic acne!! i've never had cystic acne before and was desperate. i ran to my dermatologist who prescribed me a benzo and antibiotic combo product. the product bleached 70% of my towels. =( it dried my skin out and made my skin peel~ it's suppose to do that~ but wasn't successful at getting rid of my acne nor was it successful at preventing more acne. (horrible i tell you!) when the cystic acne finally stopped i was left with HUGE scars on my on cheek and chin! so yah $65 was no longer an issue. (sorry i'm rambling) well after a month i can say that my skin is better. the scarring is improving/ minimized dramatically. the scars are not completely gone but i presume after another month they will be.

-important: do not over scrub!! do not scrub hard!! you skin will be RED afterwards and it make sting with application of moisturizer. be gentle. you will still reap the benefits of this product.

OVERALL: i love it. i will for sure buy it again! 4 stars because... $65 is a lot

side note: hopefully i will get ...versace Versus eau de Toilette and or philosphosy Grace... before the end of the year

ME - yes i love makeup and perfume and everything feminine BUT i am ALL about skin care products! anything and everything that will improve or maintain beautiful skin because well.... makeup is that MUCH better on a flawless canvas

more opinions

2010-04-22T00:12:00.000-07:00

i think people should be who they want to be. i think people should live for themselves! truly live, love, and laugh and then do it all over again! it's a long life- it's your life- make sure you love yourself, who you are, and what you are doing!

finally a makeup review

2010-04-21T18:39:00.000-07:00

Makeup Forever HD foundation in 125 Sand
i read a lot of reviews on this product before i purchased it. i take a lot of pride in researching products because well, i want to be an informed customer. (of course, there are times when i purchase on impulse too LOL)

COVERAGE- medium, light, matte, and last ~6 hrs
i read that this is a a medium to full coverage but in my honest opinion, it gives only a medium coverage. you have to really really layer it on to get more coverage and even then it's not full coverage. i have minimal scaring, like 2 discoloration spots (from sun) on my cheeks, and one broken capillary under my right eye that i always try to cover up and it wasn't able to completely cover them up- meaning- i can still see them. so yes it does cover them up (less noticeable) but definitely still visible. you know how some foundations (cough MAC) can feel like a mask?? they're heavy and everyone knows you have on foundation... well this is not like that at all!! it's soooo light; it really is like skin. you won't feel it or even really see it. the finish is a matte finish. it does last a good 6 hours. i say 6 hours because more than that you might need to touch up the foundation. lastly, i didn't notice any oxidation to a dark shade when i wore it.

OVERALL: True TEST of A Product- Would I buy it again....
the answer is YES!!! so far this is the best foundation i've ever tried simply because it's sooo light! i love how natural it looks and feels on my skin. i wish the coverage was more because i prefer full coverage too but this i can and will definitely re-purchase!

Benefit Cosmetics Benefit to Go BestSellers
Some Kind-A Gorgeous: foundation faker -->i'd give it 2.5 stars on a 1-5 scale
-it's OK. there's nothing special about this product. it's works just like a tinted moisturizer and just like a tinted moisturizer it leaves your skin shiny. enough said. there are better tinted moisturizers out there. OVERALL: not buying this again.
Posietint: poppy pink lip tint and cheek stain--> 3.5 stars
-this pink is just gorgeous! i like this product the best from this bunch. i've only used it on my lips though. i'm not too sure how to use it as a cheek stain since it's so watery/ runny. aside from the color- there's nothing special about this tint. the lasting power is ~4hrs when worn alone. if you top it off with a lipgloss, it's last ~1 hrs. i think i like stila tints better because they last longer. OVERALL: i might repurchase this...might.
High Beam: luminescent complexion enhancer-->3 stars
-i use this for my under eye circles. i like it more than my smashbox eye brightener simply because its brighter. let me elaborate, the smashbox brightener is very subtle. this one is not as subtle so for me, it does a better job of correcting my dark circles. hope that makes sense!! of course it does settle into my lines too so yah...choose your battle! OVERALL: i might buy this again...might.
That Gal: brightening face primer--> 3
-it's ok. it's a face primer (der) with shimmer. i put it on, then put on the MF HD foundation, and my skin had this luminescent glow to it. it's a healthy glow. of course i like my face MATTE so this isn't my cup of tea but it's definitely a nice glow. i also did my face w my smashbox primer then foundation and no glow- just matte the way i like it soooo there is a difference!! OVERALL: buy again- mostly likely NO

Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion- Eden--> 0
-i LOVE LOVE LOVE UD eyeshadow primer potion. i have been a fan of it for YEARS!! it's an amazing product. it really delivers but like everyone else out there i HATE the packaging! omfg i hate the packaging so of course i was excited about the bent applicator~hence why i got it... but UD has failed me! i hate this packing even more than the original because the applicator wand get stuck in the tube and you kind of have to forcefully pull it out to get it out and even when you manage to get it out, there's no much product on the applicator because of the damn packaging! UGH! so of course the product itself is amazing but man what good is it when i can't get it out? OVERALL: no i will NOT buy this again FOR SURE!

i'll take some pics later n upload them here

princess's giveaway

2010-04-17T23:09:00.000-07:00

go check it out!!

http://thiswasforever.blogspot.com/2010/04/my-first-giveaway.html#comments

a bit sad

2010-04-16T03:50:00.000-07:00

sooo before spring break a faculty revealed to me (and some other students) that he/she was planning to leave the college. i was sad. i actually liked this faculty. today two more similar bombs were dropped. these faculty members who are leaving the college are incredibly intelligent and great lectures (rare to find) and again, i like them so i am very sad to see them go...

Women

2010-04-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

I have a girlfriend (Jen) who is deeply in love with this man (let's call him Tom). Tom says he "feels the same" for Jen. He calls her. He takes her out- movies, dinners, he even comes over and cuddles with Jen in front of the tv for hours. He takes her out on her birthday, buys her gifts, and is there for her when she needs him. Everything is great with them... that is until Jen has "one of her moments" as Tom calls them... these moments are driven by her heart, her desire to be Tom's girlfriend. That's right- they're not together "officially". Jen is hoping Tom will one day see how wonderful she is and commit to her.

I love Jen. She's a dear friend of mine and she's definitely important to me. We've laughed, we've cried, we've slept on the floor together, we've jogged at 3am down the highway, and we've screamed all over town together. We're good friends. She's a great gal. Tom is a nice guy. I enjoy his company. OOO Tom is also a friend of mine... we were all friends before all of this so I do like Tom as an individual too. We've taken trips together, worked out together, hiked together, everything imaginable. He's a good friend!!

I hate the situation. It offends me as their friend, her friend, and yes, it insults me to no end as a woman! Completely unacceptable!

Here's my two cents on the whole thing...women (and men but ESPECIALLY WOMEN) need make it a point to raise strong and confident women. Mothers need to teach their daughters to LOVE themselves above all else. They need to teach them that as important as looks may be (and let's be honest- LOOKS are important) they really are not everything! Looks are like skills, all they do get you to the door, nothing more. We all can't help the way we look and no one is ever "happy" with the way they look. So one should learn to work with their looks/ features because that's more valuable than complaining or feeling like crap about them (for obvious reasons).

What is together "officially", right (especially in today's time and age)? Well, it's simple. It's monogamy! BUT it's sooo much more than monogamy!! It's publicly declaring to the world (your own small world- friends and family) that you are (NOT necessarily "in love" but) with someone and this someone can/ has the potential to be your "IT", your "love", and yes- your "ever after" . Being with someone means you are interested enough and care enough about that person to want to get to know them better, on a deeper level- more than acquaintances, bed buddies, friends, etc. Yes, it's a commitment- a commitment to "try" to care about another person, to "try" to see if you can love them, to "try" to see if you both can make each other happy. IS IT THAT SCARY??!! Is it asking for TOO much?? HELL NOOOO! I'm sorry but it's not that complicated and it's NOT asking for too much. If it is.. then HE needs to stop wasting your VALUABLE time! Yes, your time is valuable even if all you do is sit around the house! Wanting or asking for a commitment is NOT asking for too much! If it is for him- then honey, it is a sign from the heavens telling you that HE is not for you because he is a moron! If a commitment is "too much" for him... then life must be too much for him too... who wants to be with a man who will cave under pressure anyways! Never ever let a man make you feel inadequate!! All relationship (friendships, classmates, siblings, parents and kids, coworkers etc) start off and exist because of desire for it to exist, an effort to give it a try, and effort to keep on trying. This isn't new. Everything originates and stems from a commitment!

Women- please find reasons to love yourself and then find more reasons to keep on loving yourself! Love yourself first and foremost. Find your own sense of purpose. Chase your own dreams. Build your own self esteem, worth, and life (and finances for reals)! Somewhere in the definition of Love is the word "self"! All women should have standards and under NO condition, should she ever settle. Somethings can be compromised but I hope LOVE isn't one of them. Be brave- be brave enough to not let men like this waste your time! Be bold enough to say no/ to end it and to adventure out again. Lastly, be proud- be proud that you are a WOMAN!

goal to be thin

2010-03-10T00:33:00.000-08:00

i read a quote from kelly obsourne and it was something like... when you're thin, it's a struggle everyday to stay thin.... and that really resonated with me! i was very athletic growing up and my parents eat very health so naturally i ate healthy foods growing up. i didn't have a weight problem but i was definitely self conscious. too self conscious in fact, i was never comfortable in my own skin. i liked myself, the person i was, my values and morals but my appearance was a whole another issue.

my first year in undergrad i put on 35 lbs. LOL! it's called the "freshmen 15" but of course it was 35lbs for me. the wt gained left me with stretch marks (lovely huh?). i didn't notice the wt gain (i was always on the go and) my warddrobe consisted of hoodies and sweatpants until i actually wore jeans. it was horrible. i couldn't fit into ANY of my clothes! jr year i decided to lose the wt and counted calories. walking was my exercise (only exercise)- i didn't have a car and walked to school everyday. counting calories was a pain (required a lot of meal planning ahead of time~ i planned my meals every weekend) but i lost 30lbs. i was proud of myself. i kept the wt off for 3 years then i got married. LOL! i didn't put any wt on during the planning of the wedding but man after the wedding was a different story! i got married in sept and y december i had put on almost 40lbs. it was HORRIBLE! those 40 lbs stayed with me for almost 3 yrs!! it was horrible i tell you!! i worked really hard (gym at least 3x a week and healthy small meals) and dropped 25 lbs. i have kept the 20lbs off for almost two years now. last nov i lost 10lbs and it was the hardest 10 lbs of my life! i worked out soooo hard! i watched my diet like a crazy person. i ate veggies with every meal and only ate fish for dinner. this went on for like 4 months for 10 freaking lbs. i was able to keep going bc i DID see the wt come off. i'm only 5'3" so 10lbs is HUGE on me! since then i have put the 10lbs back on (unable to go to gym due to schedule) and deviated off strict diet. so here i am blogging about it...why do we do this to ourselves??!! OMFG!! for reals- WHY??

it is a battle. it's also a torture! it's just not healthy to have to watch everything i put into my mouth. it's obsessive and debilitating!! i want to be thin just like the next girl and i want to be thin bc i LOVE LOVE fashion and i long to look amazing in clothes but sometimes idk.... sometimes i wonder why this is sooo important. by now i know looks aren't everything but i guess the truth is, i'm also not naive enough to believe that looks aren't important.... so here i am.... wondering what i should do next. have you ever had a moment like this.... questioned yourself.... why do you do the things you do....why are these things so damn important...

laters!

new favorite

2010-02-17T18:22:00.000-08:00

i LOVE LOVE LOVE this scent and this will be the first scent i am recommending. if you're in the market for perfume this is the way to go!! the best description i've heard of it is "spicy apple candy" which is kind of unappealing but you have to smell it to love it. it sooo ...what's the word i am looking for... wonderful! omg i can bathe in it! LOL! it's sooo light too! it's amazing! i love it!!

http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P223212&categoryId=C19790

giveaways!!

2010-02-17T17:51:00.000-08:00

http://www.makeupbycelly.com/2010/02/400-followers-appreciation.html

http://katiegene.blogspot.com/2010/02/stila-giveaway.html

http://missp-princess-life.blogspot.com/2010/02/my-first-giveaway-200-followers.html

what i really want

2010-02-07T02:56:00.000-08:00

i'm having one of those days where i no longer want to resist rationale... i want to run to Macys and get Ed Hardy's Love and Luck sooooo MUCH!! but but but i know i shouldn't...i have a very full and very new Viva La Juicy (4 oz bottle!!)!! i dooo love it i just want another perfume but man, perfumes are so damn expensive! GOSH! i'm trying to resist...trying...trying...

kate's giveaway!

2010-01-27T20:44:00.000-08:00

http://katiegene.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-100-followers-giveaway.html

CHECK IT OUT!!

random midnight blogging....

2010-01-18T02:03:00.000-08:00

oh how silly and naive the heart can be....

i'm finally getting on the "LOST" bandwagon. i just finished the first season and am really enjoying it!!

Kate's story touches my heart because i am a hopeless romantic (SERIOUSLY!!). i find it bittersweet how we always remember our first love. how even after years, decades, you still remember everything like it was yesterday. how is that possible?? i loved and hated the part that kate's childhood love still loved her. it was sweet because even after all those years he still loved her. it was obvious. you could see it in his eyes and if somehow you didn't, you can definitely see it in his actions~ the crazy things he does for her. BUT it's sooo incredibly SAD that he still loves her because it has been YEARS! he's had a WHOLE life without her. he's no longer the same (young) boy who fell in love with her. the man is married and has a child. it was sooo sad because i was thinking- wow, his wife really was just a subsitute for kate. someone he loved because he couldn't have kate. how sad!! you can't live like that! which was why he told her' "it's not fair for you to be back here like this".

also side note and completely unrelated: metoclopramide (treat constipation) and spironolactone (diuretic) both cause gynecomastia (male breast)!! hahahahahaaaa! so far they are the only two drugs i've come acrossed with this side effect and it's sooo random so it helps me remember them!! LOL

love and romance

2010-01-13T02:43:00.000-08:00

my friend posted this on her blog and i abs LOVE and LIVE by these simple lines and wanted to share them!!

This is for all the ladies, you know who you are. The main lesson here is: LOVE YOURSELF FIRST AND ALWAYS.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are… even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.

Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending… compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships… there is nothing cute about baggage… deal with your issues before pursing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consist of two

finally a beauty blog

2010-01-12T04:34:00.001-08:00

LipStick
-all time fav: neutrogena moisture shine lip sheer in COOL NECTAR (pinkish nude color)
BC- built in chapstick!! i have dry everything including lips (i often use it as chapstick when i can't find my chapstick)

-worth trying:
1.revlon super luster~ no specific color since i have multiple shades which is why they are worth trying- comes in a vast color selection and color pay off is GOOD. this is a cheaper alternative to MAC lipsticks bc the color pay off is almost the same (but aside from that~ neither are really anything to write home about)

2. stila lip/cheek stain~ any color~ it's a stain so it can be used as a cream blush (use w light HAND or u will look like a clown) or can be applied w a brush/ finger as lipstick. comes in a compact w a mirror- great for on the go or just in ur school bag (like me). doesn't come in too many colors but i do love it enough to repurchase (and repurchasing a product is rare for me)

LipGloss
-all time fav: smashbox!!! every color hands down!!! not sticky like other glosses, huge color selection (one of my fav is the plain clear gloss- sooo glossy) no funky taste or smell. i have a bunch of them and i LOVE LOVE them!

-worth trying:
1. Lancome color fever gloss- they are pricy (~$25) but if i had to name a 2nd fav gloss this is it!!

Blush
-all time fav: idk have yet to find one
-worth trying: idk either
-what i wanna try: NARS orgasm (everyone raves about it)
-what i HAVE tried: bare minerals, smashbox, lancome, guerlerin, MAC, stila, and just about EVERY department store brand- revlon, almay, neutrogena...etc ...again have yet to find a fav

Eyeshadow
-all time fav: smashbox #1 and urban decay #2!!! they are both lovely!! both are very velvety, pigmented, huge color selection, little if any fall out~ LOVE em! own a bunch and will def buy more!!

-worth trying: idk but if u have $$ and want to blow it on eyeshadow... MAC (but in my personal opinion and experience they are not easy to work w bc they are not as velvety as the above so they are much harder to blend which is a pain bc yes they are pigmented) * not sure what to recommend at all... even though i love eyeshadows and they are like my entire makeup collection...all i can say is that the following are a-ok, nothing to write home about: (off the top of my head)covergirl, bare minerals, too faced, stila, ben nye, maybelline, lancome, benefit, almay, prescriptive, clinque, loreal HIP, MAC pigments yah nothing special... honestly i wouldn't spend money on the more expensive ones i've listed here bc well aside from i dont care for them- TOO much fall out, some shades are pigmented while others are not and not easily to work with. they're just A-OK

-gonna try: Nars

BASES
-primer: idk... i'm currently using smashbox's but not bc i LOVE it more bc i have no idea what else to get...

i do like the too faced wrinkle injection one bc it mattes out my face which minimizes my pores and gives this really soft feel to my face (ps good primers MAKE ur face feel GOOD, smooth, and even) but the con is that it's not a fast drying cream so it does crease and it does leave this slight white sheen on my skin so yah- that sucks

i've tried MAC's, Laura Mercier, and sephora's and yah.. nothing special...

Foundation
-fav: NONE

-worth trying: idk... i can't really say. here's some i've tried but yah, nothing special: MAC (ok do not try this line of foundation if u have oily skin unless u want to break out. i have dry skin and it made me oily), maybelline, smashbox, bare mineral, urban decay, dior, laura mercier, clinque, lancome...yah nothing special...i'm slowly realizing maybe i just don't like liquid foundation BUT i sooo want to try makeupForever's HD foundation which is a liq so idk

Powder
- fav: love MAC's and Smashbox's! you can totally wear them on their own wo foundation. they set in well. not overly powdery. good coverage. love them and will buy them again!

- i can name a bunch i've tried but truth is i wouldn't buy them again so yah...

Mascara
- fav: DiorShow and DiorShow Blackout i cannot live wo!! all i need but i have said this and ppl have tried it and it doesnt do a thing for their lashes sooo unless u have gone to sephora/ Macy's and have actually tried it ON~ don't buy it. u might not love it as much as me and it is a $25 mascara and mascara isn't something i'd spend $$ on

-worth trying: maybelline define a lash and cover girl's lashblast- they're pretty good! i would buy them again for sure!

ONES i hate/ abs LOATHE- lancome defencils, all MAC mascaras, and all smashbox mascaras--> hate them bc they really didn't do a thing for my lashes...

nailpolish- ORLY simply bc of their packaging~ easy to open. if it weren't for this...OPI (der LOL)

cleanser- Dove's!!

moisturizers- OLAY regenerist microscupting cream- i cannot live wo this moisturizer! i made the mistake of buying a different one after using this one for years (just cause i like trying new products) and i so regret it! this is kind of pricy but not super pricy and sooo worth it if you have dry skin (like me) or have wrinkles (like me again!) bc the Hyaluronic Acid = moisture!! it's actually one of the few moisturizers w this ingredient in this price range~ common price range is $100s! yah, i have to use up my current moisturizers b4 i can repurchase this one cause i don't want to be wasteful =(

exfoliator- st ives peach apriocot ~ under $4 can't go wrong

micodermabrasion kit- i actually like the loreal kit more than the neutrogena AND Olay one which is saying a lot bc they are actually quite good too

chapstick- vaseline chapstick!! nothing compares to this ONE!! nothing!!

perfume- DG #3, Viva La Juciy, Gucci Flora, and Ed Hardy's Love and Luck --> i abs love these perfumes!! love LOVE love them... DG #3 is a clean critus scent ( i think of lemon grass).... Viva La Juicy initially i hated it but it's grown on me! it's slightly sweet, floral, and powdery which makes me think of OLD Ladies but this scent is SO not an old ladies scent. it's LOVELY and can be worn everyday- i DO love it! i had the same Hate then Love experiencce with Gucci Flora! LOL! i'd wear this scent on a date night for sure! Love and Luck is a Must have for me! OMG!! can be worn everyday! subtle but amazing! ok i just figured it out... i love love love scents that are subtle (not in your face even if it is amazing) as long as it is AMAZING! LOL

blush brush- MAC
eyeshadow brush(s)- sephora's PROFESSIONAL brushes (ONLY the White w silver lining ones) (im too lazy to list the MAC ones)
eyeline brush-MAC and Stila

MUST have product that i cannot live wo- petrolum jelly! LOL!! it's like $1 and it's an all purpose moisturizer/ skin protectant! all my expensive eye creams didn't do a thing for the bags under my eyes and the developing crows feet (SCHOOL SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME)! i petrolum jelly took care of it like nothing!! same thing w the dry ass hands that were starting to look like they belonged to a 50yr old,feet, elbows, and the dry ass legs (u should know by now how DRY my skin is). it's thick and very inconvenient to use to i use it at night. it hasn't made me break out yet. cocoa butter, shea butter, vaseline, and aquapore do the same thing.

my addiction

2010-01-07T04:55:00.000-08:00

i have lots of addictions... LOTS

but i only dream of shoes...for reals! i dream of shoes! i LOVE love LOVE louboutins!! OMG i love louboutins sooo much and it's not because of the red sole at all...i love louboutins because of the shape, architect, and simplicity of them! i always try to be daring with fashion but MAN, my style is very very plain and simple. very symmetrical. i'm boring- i know. =) louboutins are simple but never ever plain!

anyways i can't bring myself to get a louboutin because of their $$... i don't know how to justify it to myself... but i did come across this website that does imitations and guess what!? they have an imitation of the SHOES i want!!

http://www.christianlouboutinmy.com/christian-louboutin-glittered-platform-pump-marine-p-141.html

http://www.christianlouboutinmy.com/christian-louboutin-glitter-heel-slingback-silver-p-144.html

OK i seriously DREAM about the navy blue pump!! omg i've worn it a million times in my dreams...problem is it's an imitation and it's still hella pricy for an imitation...

tanget...ok so i'm totally tacky! LOL! i love ruffles and i love sequins/ glitter... yes super tacky stuff but i can't help it! one of these days when i have time and can find my camera and charger i will take pictures of my ruffle

story of my life

2010-01-06T07:15:00.000-08:00

i think this is a horrible way to start off the new year and i'm quite bothered by it but here goes. i try very hard to be a nice person. i go out of my way to include people all the time. i always try to think outside of myself so that i can be an accepting, non- judgemental, open minded, friendly, supportive, and yes over all good person. i don't regret any of these efforts. i'm proud to say that these are adjectives commonly used to describe me and that makes me very very happy. i am the kind of person i WANT to be BUT BUT (gosh- there is always a BUT)... man it gets me into trouble!

there's this one guy John who is very lonely. he doesn't have many friends and the few that he does have he cannot really talk to them. we're more acquaintances than we are friends. i don't really consider him a friend of mine simply because well i am not that close to him. i don't share personal thoughts or feelings with him. i tend to keep things informal. anyways a couple of months ago he told me about the failure of his last relationship out of the blue. i could tell he was very sad over it so i listened. he had a lot on his mind and he was lonely and really needed a friend so even though i don't consider him a friend of mine i was ok with being "there" for him. he's called a couple of times and we've AIM and it usually consist of me listening. giving him someone to talk to, to share his feelings with. you know, to get it out. this went on for like 3 months and i was totally getting uncomfortable and all but i was trying to be understanding. i tried to put myself in his shoes... if i were going through a rough time, and i didn't have anyone to talk to about it, to sort it out with, i'd be horribly miserable. it took up hours of my weeks (seriously- HOURS- this guy can talk) but again i wanted to be supportive. earlier in december he professed his love for me. i was so caught off guard i didn't know what to say back. after a week to myself i contacted him and told him how i felt. i merely stated that he was going through a rough time in his life. i am there for him. since i am the only outlet for him it is only natural that he would mistaken this friendship as love. not only that but john know i am married. (seriously i know- it boggles me too) i told him that i am a mere friend and that is all. i have no feelings like that towards him at all. he said he understood. i was glad. a little over a week went by without any communication which i didn't mind bc i really thought he might have been embarrassed over it. i even felt bad about it --him being possibly embarrassed- so i sent him a short email... something to the effect of... hey hope all is well! that was a mistake. he flooded my inbox with emails- lovey dovey emails. after reading the first and last email i just ignored and deleted them all. no point in reading them. well i kept getting emails so i finally sent him an email. it was simple and short. something to the effect of - i have told you how i felt. please respect it. we cannot be friends. this is goodbye.

this is such a constant occurrance in my life that i am often disgusted with myself. not the someone telling me they are in love with me part but the friendly gestured turned ugly part that i just don't know what to say anymore. i am honestly disgusted with myself. did i do this to myself?? do i always do this to myself? like the girl with the bad boyfriends, i am the constant in all of these situations...so is it me? i really thought i was being supportive, lending a needy person an ear, totally innocent on my part... and i naive? stupid? blind? seriously wth! should i change this about me? i feel good when i help someone out but man, i feel like crap when it turns out like this too. i didn't do him or me any service by being me... i don't know. i do feel bad over this~ not over how i acted but more over how it went down. i want to be better. i want to avoid these kind of situations. i'm trying to figure out what i should not have done and thus to not do again in the future. i think this is a much needed new years resolution.

early post

2009-12-25T23:40:00.000-08:00

i know it's not new years yet but i'm glad this year is coming to an end.

this year is definitely up there as one of the toughest years of my life. a lot happened this year. a lot so of course it's been an incredibly challenging year. when my personal life has issues, it seems to across over into my academic and professional life as well... that bugs me. LOL! i wish i could be someone who knew how to separate it all. i'm good at compartmentalizing after wards but man, i am definitely someone who has to deal with things right away. i need to find solutions to problems. i don't like lingering issues. it nags at me silently. again, i am glad this year is coming to an end.

this isn't much for most people but for me, it was a big deal. a HUGH deal. finding out that my first love really loved me, still loves me gave me the closure i desperately sought for all those years ago. when things don't end well or as we intend for them too.. they leave us wondering... guessing... and for me... even though i was able to move on.. love again... i always wondered what happened to us. part of me always believed we were perfect for each other and i really believed we were meant to be. (maybe it was me just wanting to be with him that much) having him give me all these answers was good for me. i no longer have to wonder why or how or what could have been. i know now and you know else, at first it was very sad for me but it's no longer sad. i'm glad i know. i mean it every time i say this- i don't regret a thing i did. i'm not sure about this whole cosmic soul mate universe meant to be thingy but BUT i did live my life the way i wanted to. i did do the things i wanted to. i ran wild with my heart and my dreams. my first love DIDN'T pan out and that is sad but i found someone else and i will even be bold and say.. i found someone else who is BETTER. (LOL!) even if my husband wasn't better truth is i'd still be glad because i at least know now what could have been. some things, no matter how certain we are about them, how strongly we feel about them, we can still be wrong. it was a humbling event in my life. it still is. i'm more aware of how crazy this life can be- even when everything is in its' place... it can all still fall apart. that sounded depressing but it really isn't for me. it's enlightening.

professionally it was a challenging year too. i like to think i know my stuff, that i am good at what i do (hence why i do it for a living) but man, there are times when i don't feel to confident. times when i feel i need my text book (or laptop) with me at all times!! there have been numerous times when i feel like everyone is NOT-so-NICE or are expecting way too much from me. i am still relatively new to this thing. i don't have the years and years of experience under my belt. i can't make certain judgement calls; i can't do it as lightly and confidently as others can. i swear, it's cause i'm new to this. GIVE me time! ok that turned into a rant! LOL!!

academically...all i will say is i LOVE therapeutics! it's sooo informative and enlightening but gosh, there's so much material. i got my first grey hair this semester... and serious crows feet! i have never had to load so much eye cream on before! i am still working on them! LOL

i'm not going to wait till jan to start trying to lose wt again. i put 5lbs back on but i am DETERMINED to lose it again! i did it before so it's def possible! i will lose it! LOL!

i want to be wiser, bolder, smarter, and yes even if all that means older... i will gladly take older with it. i just want to be thinner too! hehehehehe

update

2009-12-06T00:57:00.000-08:00

well things are starting to calm down again. it's finals for me pretty soon. i'm not super stressed mainly because i am super sick. it's so sad. i think i have been sick every winter for the last couple of years and they seem to be the same level of flu severity.

i was able to drop to 118lbs but then i got sick and so here i am back to 123lbs. so discouraging! i want to go to the gym but i am coughing soooo much i can't do it. hopefully when school is out, i will be feeling better and i can spend the winter break trying to drop the lbs again. story of my life!

ladies

2009-12-06T00:46:00.001-08:00

i got the weirdest phone call today. this girl calls me and after i say hello, she asks me who i am. i am so caught off guard i tell her my first name and then i tell her, "you're the one calling me, shouldn't you know who you're calling?" she ignores my question and asks for my last name. after i refuse because she is, after all, a complete stranger, she asks me if i know an alex XOXO? (no this is not the same alex-LOL) apparently alex is her bf and my number showed up on her phone bill and she wants to know who i am. i start laughing and tell the poor girl i have no idea who this alex is. that he could be a friend of my husband's, my brother's, or my friends who all have used my phone is the past. she proceeds to ask where i live? what my ethnicity is and so forth... all i really wanted to say to her (but didn't) was... you need to just ask your bf or you need to dump his ass gf.

when did women become like this? this is sooo low! this is insulting! if you cannot trust your bf, gf spouse, friend, whoever then i think you really need to re-evaluate your relationship with that person. it's common knowledge that without trust there is nothing and it's true. personally, i am too lazy a person to ever go through my husband's phone bill to pick out foreign phone numbers and to call them all whether i trust him or not. if in the future we ever got to a point where i no longer trust him, i think i'd still just ask him up front. he can take it upon himself to lie to me if he wants to. yes it would suck but see, i believe that the truth always comes out sooner or later. no one can hide it forever. a cheating heart will continue to cheat until he is caught. that's just how those kind of people are.

women should have higher standards for their men. make sure he deserves you. make sure he knows he's lucky to have you. make sure he is worth your time. you don't have to be the most beautiful or intellectual woman out there, you just have to be female. there will always be a man out there that wants you. that will do anything to be with you. you just have to know your worth. think about it. live it!

2009-11-03T23:08:00.000-08:00

"it only hurts when i'm breathing"....shania twain

i'm in such a sad mood...

halloween

2009-11-01T11:44:00.000-08:00

halloween was a blast!!!!!!!! i had a great day! my friends and i celebrated it on friday because we have two major exams this week (tuesday and wednesday) but it was sooo funny!!!!!!! i was totally sober and ate like a pig (bc well i didnt care), still had a great time but the best part was sat morning when i woke up and weighed myself and i didn't even put a lb on!! and i'm telling you i really pigged out!!!!!!!! all the working out is paying off!! LOL!! hahaha!!

one of those days

2009-10-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

i'm having a very very lethargic day... not as if there isn't A LOT for me to do but i simply don't feel up to the task... i was suppose to host a dinner this weekend for my friends...you know, social gathering since those have been rare this year due to our hectic schedules... but i don't feel up to it...i'm very tired... no in the mood to really do anything...what i really want is to sleep... maybe i will do one of those 13 hours sleeps...i do enjoy those...and i do think i need one of those...tonight LOL

a little frustrated

2009-10-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

i'm not doing to well in one class... it bothers me.... i know i am a bad student. i cram all the time... i never study...i either have bad studying habits or maybe it's i dont have any real studying habits...i know i need to change that but it's a little hard because well, i've never had to study before... i need to stop cramming though... these grades are unacceptable...and it's really cutting into my sleep...not good! i'm working on my discipline... i used to be super disciplined but as i get older i've realized i get worse and worse about it... i set a goal but i easily lag on it... i dropped to 120lbs and i was super super excited because it's the first time since i've been married that i was 120lbs but then i let myself go and i put 3lbs back on and i'm so mad at myself because it took so long to drop it in the first place!! and 120lbs is not even the goal...the goal is the wedding weight 115lbs!! UGH! you know i really wouldn't care but man clothes are so not friendly to a curvier figure and i am too short to carry this much weight!! i need to be taller (which is totally not happening) or i just need to drop the weight!! frustration!! (crap- my left leg is dead-LOL)

discipline...i need discipline...i need motivation...i need to want more...i need to want better.... i need to want to work for it!!

randomness...

2009-10-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

sometimes its funny how life works...

on my drive home today i thought about all the things i have ever really wanted in life... all the things i've worked really hard for... the endless hours of dedication and numerous emotional crisis ... and i don't know if i am happy or sad about any of it but the more i thought about it i realized i have been very fortunate- i have everything on that list, the only thing is... i didnt get those things in the order that i wanted them....does that make sense...

i've always been more of a career woman than a housewife/family type of woman...no offense... i've always wanted to do something i love and i've always wanted to be great at it...for me, that's fulfilling. academics and career are the only things i can say that i have had complete control over...LOL... everything else... not so much. i dont regret how things turned out... i just find it all very ironic.

of course this is related to alex...LOL... since we were kids, i've always loved him and have always wanted him to love me back. my young and naive heart thought we were perfect... now as an adult i realize he loved me the whole time... which was what i have always wanted but of course i cannot have him....and truth is, i'm okay with that. i just find it weird how life works and how things turn out.

throughout my life i've been on this long ass academic journey... and i didnt anticipate i would ever fall in love cause, seriously, who has the time?! right? but i did fall in love and it was and is amazing... and it worked out. i don't know how it worked but it just did... so as i am constantly thinking about the prospect of having a family and having a career as well as the stress of balancing the two... i''m slowly coming to the conclusion that it will work itself out... and that is odd coming from me! LOL! i rarely leave things to "chance"...LOL...

i'm feeling much better this week. i should have had an intense weekend but the truth is i didn't . i chose to do absolutely nothing aside from sleep. i wanted to clear my head, gather my thoughts, organize and compartmentalize my feelings... you know, get in touch with myself all over again... and i think it was really good for me. i needed those two days of nothingness to just really breathe. i've had a lot on my plate this semester... it's been crazy... i found my very first grey hair...i almost died...LOL...i'm not even that old...LOL... and this is very unlike me but... for the first time in my life i think i will let go a little bit and just life do its thing. let it take its course. i've made it this far and i'm sure it wasn't because i was a control freak..LOL...

2009-10-03T00:41:00.001-07:00

ok so i lost the 3lbs i wanted sooo i'm at 122lbs again... i went to the gym today and it was killer!

i found a grey hair the other day... still bothers me...

i am sooo lacking sleep. i hate school

lately

2009-10-01T03:25:00.000-07:00

school has been sooo draining!!!! this year the load is like 3x what it was last year and i am totally overwhelmed! i am doing clinical rotation and i am really loving it...minus the SOAP notes... but yes, totally loving it. i am enjoying it sooo much! it's just that my exam schedule doesn't let me relax at all... and it's hard to get in sleep and good nutrition. i went from 130 lbs to 125lb and then to 122lbs and let me tell you, it was sooooo much work but then the lack of sleep (even with good eating habits) put the 3lbs back on and so now i am struggling (again) to drop it again and keep it off. if clothes were friendlier to my shape i would not care but clothes are not friendly!!

well goals are...
1. perform better academically
2. lost wt (same goal every time)
3. relax and sleep more

school resumes

2009-09-20T23:45:00.000-07:00

i thought last week was hard but i think this upcoming week will be worse

i have two major exams back to back, a presentation, and of course clinical rotation...

i know i will live but i will just be sleep deprived

i have lost 7 lbs... i hope the stress doesn't put it all back on...

and history repeats itself

2009-09-17T21:40:00.000-07:00

having your first love tell you he still loves you more than anything in the world after almost two decades hurts...

realizing that a part of you still cares deeply for him hurts...

realizing that your time together has past hurts more than anything the mind can fathom...

i don't think i have ever been this conflicted before. not trapped in a loveless marriage but happily in a loving marriage and yet a part of me still loves this other person... i guess what they say is true, you never forget your first love...

so here i am watching alex leave me all over again and you'd think it would hurt less this time around but the reality is it hurts just as much if not more...

rant

2009-09-07T05:04:00.000-07:00

i offered my hand in friendship to alex. i happily told him i was married and very much in love with my husband and so all i wanted to do was be friends. we were once friends, good friends, and i believe we were always meant to be just friends. he was hurt. he was sad. our last fight drove me away... i became friends with this girl because of alex (we both knew him) and she introduced me to my husband... if we never fought, i would never have met my husband. it's odd how things work out but this is how they do.... anyways alex told me he didn't want to be friends. he never wanted to be just friends. he was sad but he said goodbye. part of me was butt hurt but i understood and accepted it. a week later he calls me up and says he gives up. he can't not not talk to me. he spent years tracking me down (he stressed the YEARS part) and so he can't just walk away. he said he wanted to be friends but if he was too hard he would have to end it. my heart rejoiced. it was happy. alex was everything to me for years of my life.. years... my first taste of love. i thought he was the one, the one thing that should have worked out but didn't. that part of me wanted to be his friend, wanted to reconnect and catch up with our lives. (ps my husband knows about this)

we've been chatting for a week now. it's sooo fun! it's like... time stood still. we are so at ease with each other. we joked around for hours and it was really nice. i was totally enjoying myself... and then he asked me if i ever thought of him in all these years? did i miss him? and i didn't know how to answer. it would be a lie if i said no. i didn't know how to answer the question. how does one forget their first love?? how do you really get over someone who you cared that much for even if it was in the past. i never forgot him. i remember everything. i can't say i missed him though. i was too busy at first trying to move on and then living my life and of course falling in love all over again. my life has been so full and busy, i didn't have time to miss him. there were moments when he came to mind and i would wonder how things went the way they did and or how he was doing but that was it. and then he told me that "it was always you" and "i know you told me not to say this but please just hear me out, let me just say it to say it to you, I promise, I won’t cause trouble for you, but I can’t promise that I don’t love you. I love you too much"... what does one say to this!! OMG!

a trillion emotions ran through me like a speeding train! my heart felt like it was bleeding! bleeding! my god! i have loved this man since i was 12! loved him with all my heart. it was puppy love, i get that, but nonetheless it was love. wild crazy love and and and... it hurt like hell! it took me YEARS to move on. my heart was sooo wounded but it never stopped loving him... i don't it ever did. i'm a pretty tough girl, i can handle a lot of things. i'm also a bit of a control freak but this guy, he's always been a sore spot for me. and i know it's cause of my feelings for him but omg, what does say to this. my feelings are sooo knotted up right now! there's no secret or mistake... I LOVE MY HUSBAND. my heart and soul longs for my husband every second of every day. he really is the air i breathe and i would die without him! i'm sooo dramatic! LOL! but it's sooo true. part of me wants to scream at alex and i did. why tell me this now?? what's the point? why bother? i don't care if there is a point to it.. there's no place for it. i'm angry with him sooo angry but here comes the stupid part... i'm glad he told me. i'm sooo happy to hear he still loves me and still wants me. it's beyond flattering because it's coming from HIM. i still want to be his friend. my husband knows too and he's not happy about it but he understands. he trust me. he said i can do what i think is best. so here i am feeling ridiculously guilty for wanting to still be friends with alex. god! am i setting myself up? i dont think so because well, i love my husband. can't live without him and am not gonna try. i WANT him. i will ALWAYS want him. that much i know. but a part of me, and i would be lying if i didn't say this, still cares about alex. i don't want to be with him but my mind has been wondering off to... where would we be today if that did happen then... and i don't know why i do this to myself because the truth is it scares me. it scares me so much. if alex and i worked out..OMG..i wouldn't have my husband! panic! but i keep thinking about it! i'm soooo freaking ADD over this! i can't focus on anything. this can't be healthy! OMG and i know how lame it sounds!

is it possible to love and want two completely different people at the same time?

Give away!

2009-09-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

http://laliamora.blogspot.com/

lali amora is having a great give away! Go check it out!!!

mid life crisis???

2009-08-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

for the first time in my life i finally believe that things happen for a reason.

after reminiscing with alex, i've finally understood why things happened the way they did when we were in high school. i don't like saying this but i don't know how else to express my thought so here goes - " we were not meant to be". LOL. some people are just better off as friends no matter how compatible they are. somethings just don't work out and that's the way it should be.

i started thinking about my life and i've come to the realization that i am very fulfilled. i'm very lucky that i'm outspoken and driven. i've always had dreams and these dreams have always guided me. very rarely, if ever, in my life have i ever been lost. i've always known who i wanted to be, what i want to be and what i had to do to get there so working to be that person came easy for me. i've always done everything i've wanted to, said everything that came to mind, and i know that in that sense, i am very fortunate! i have very few regrets in life if any at all. of course my mouth gets me into trouble some times but that's a part of who i am. i say all the stupid things that people are too embarrassed say because well, i am curious! hahahaha! but i'm not plagued with playing hypothetically situations over and over in my head. i've always followed my HEART and let my HEAD guide it. i've shed tears, thrown pillows (and then some), but i am here...and i am very happy here.

everyone knows this. it's simple. it really is so don't complicate it.... chase your dreams. live your life. love who and what you are. no one is perfect (whatever that is) and yes, it's ok.

MAC give away!!!

2009-08-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

HEY! go check out sweet shugaHon's give away!!

http://sweetshugahon.blogspot.com/2009/08/my-first-contest-mac-giveaway.html

this week

2009-08-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

this week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me... mainly because school is about to start (orientation week) and all my friends are back...

girlfriend is driving me nuts complaining about her lame ass bf that she always complains about and has complained about since the dawn of time but won't leave him...ughhh

other gf is being a laggard and still has not given the details to her party which is suppose to be tomorrow night and everyone is asking me instead like i should know??? more ughhhhh

finally got a copy of my vehicle registration and went to buy parking permit only to be told they sold out....

selling back old books but one of the books are no longer being used so now im stuck w it.. and i got it brand new and worse i never even opened it. i was just retarded enough to take off the shrink wrap. UGHHH

i just got certified to take BP and am getting certified tomorrow to give vaccinations... ughhhhh... this is the mother load! i don't like needles going into me but i idea of poking someone else w needles and HAVING to look at it scares me more!! i'm not passing out! i will not faint! i can sit in surgery just fine. in fact i love surgery and was almost tempted to switching fields to become a surgeon! but needles... oh hells NO. LOL

OK i'm done venting.. done... hahahaha! i just wanted to scream today!! hahaha! so dramatic i know and it may be hard to believe but i am not a very dramatic person. opinionated- yah but not dramatic! LOL

MAC online Order code

2009-08-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

i found the code BUZZ and used it and got free shipping! Happy shopping!

From Head to Toe giveaway

2009-08-16T00:44:00.001-07:00

Mineral Magic Cosmetics Giveaway Time!!

From Head to Toe is having an amazing giveaway! a bunch of stuff!!

http://frmheadtotoe.blogspot.com/2009/08/mineral-magic-cosmetics-giveaway-time.html

rant

2009-08-10T05:29:00.001-07:00

today i went hiking with a couple of my friends. my gf brought her guy friend who knew the trail we were going on and i brought my buddy and his bf. there were 5 of us and we all fit into one car so i offered to drive. (hike came about as a way for my gf and i to shed some summer wt) my gf's guy friend refuse to sit in the back seat next to my gay friend. he said something like, "uhmmm i don't sit next to guys" which he obviously meant GAY GUYS. i would have ripped out his eyes if he were not my gf's friend. the entire trail (which took about 1 hr each way) that guy friend definitely kept his distance from my gay friend and his bf which made it all that more awkward!

here's my pov on what transpired today... it's MY car, MY friend, and a hike i initiated. if that guy friend had that much of an issue with my obviously gay friends then he could have easily said "no thanks" to the hike or took his own transportation. i'm not only upset and offended by such ignorance but because of how rude he was. i have hung out with this guy friend before and so we are not "friends" but we are also not complete strangers either and i feel that out of respect for me, he should have held his tongue at the very least. of course he is entitled to his opinion and rightly so but his behavior today was just plain rude. needless to say he will never be invited to another function of mine again and that too saddens me. i feel so horrible for subjecting my dear friend to people like this guy. i wish there was more compassion and a genuine desire for acceptance and peace in this world. i understand that there are differences amongst us all but regardless, why can't we all just make peace with the difference and find a way, a productive way, to get along. why is it so hard for people to just be nice? it takes way more effort to be mean to someone than it does to be nice or to just not say anything at all.

this topic is very sensitive for me because the politics surrounding gay marriage has ended a couple of my friendships. there were things about certain friends of mine that i didn't know about before and i learned from that that those kind of people are not people i want to be friends with. it's one thing to have a difference of opinion on a topic and a completely different thing to be nasty and hateful about it due to the difference.

i believe that even people with fundamental differences can get along and even become good friends. one of my best friend (if not my BFF) in the world (my sister from a different mother) is pakastani and muslim. we are sooo fundamentally different! woman is married to a man whom her mother picked out and arranged and if you know me, you'd know that i would not even entertain such a notion. LOL. there are even things in our religions that oppose the other's BUT we have so much in common still. it's odd but i think that the reason we have so much in common is because of these obvious diffferences!! above all else the one thing that kept us together (and thus allowed this amazing friendship to develop) is the shared desire to get along from the beginning. when people realize we are BFF, a good 95% of them are appalled but the truth is, she is the one person in this world MOST LIKE ME!! it really breaks my heart that such differences can divide our society so much. i thought we were better than that.

to add or to not add

2009-08-08T03:50:00.000-07:00

i recently received a friend request on my facebook from a childhood friend and so of course i added her. we were friends in grade school. after grade school i moved and thus we lost touch. it's been almost 20 years since we've seen or spoken and thus i was pleasantly surprised when she found me on facebook. we both happen to be logged in at the same time so she messaged me. within 5 minutes of initiating our conversation, she proceeds to tell me about her martial problems. she also messages me the moment she sees me sign in on facebook and i feel forced to talk to her.

a boy from high school who had a crush on me found me on facebook as well. of course being the curious creature that i am, i added him. i wanted to see how he was and if he kept in touch with other people from high school. we messaged each other a couple of times, shared some laughs, and then he tells me my eyes are beautiful (i informed him i was married). after that he started leaving more messages on my wall and even included my name in his status. he also messages me the moment he sees me on facebook and again, i feel forced to talk to him too.

the girl and i were good friends in grade school. we spent numerous hours together in as well as out of school. however in the last 20 years we have not spoken once and in the last 20 years, i had progressed dramatically (naturally) from a child to an adult. we were 10 years old when we were friends, we are now in thirties. a lot has happened and changed. i don't want to delete her per se but i would like to not jump right into our lives like we have been BFFs all this time either. it makes me very uncomfortable when she confides so much personal information all the time. of course i am a loser and have a hard time telling her my feelings but i'm am hesitant because i don't want to hurt her feelings (she is after all asking for help/advice). the other thing that comes into play is because we don't know each other (like we use to) she doesn't realize that we share very different opinions. i gather from our conversations that she is a very traditional woman. i on the other hand am very progressive thus i think if i truly share my thoughts/ advice with her, she would be appalled. again, we are very different. so far i have just been an avid listener to her worries but because i see no prospect of a friendship with her, i am unsure what to do next. what i do know is that she makes me uncomfortable.

the guy and i were classmates in high school. we shared numerous classes together and so naturally we knew each other pretty well. he asked me out a couple of times but i wanted to just be friends. i understand that his feelings didn't cease and believe me, i am very flattered! BUT i am married and he knows that. he's actions are inappropriate and thus make me uncomfortable. i feel especially uncomfortable when his status is directed at me. i do want to delete him but we share common facebook friends.

facebook is a tool i use to keep in touch with current friends, college buddies, and of course to reconnect with old friends. however both these events left me uncomfortable and very uneasy so here i am left with the decision to delete them or not. when a friendly gesture is received as something more by the receiver what is one to do? what are the appropriate actions to take without insulting or offending the other person?

YAAAAAAAAAH!

2009-08-07T16:20:00.001-07:00

i went snorkeling yesterday and guess what??!!

i lost 3 lbs!! i'm back to 125 lbs (pre-summer weight)! now the goal is to drop to 120 lbs. i can do this!!

2009-08-05T23:49:00.001-07:00

i have been thinking about this for a while...

i think i wear too much makeup. well, let me clarify... i don't think i wear too much makeup. i think i wear (i don't want to say the wrong colors) too much colors. i wear, on average, three shadow colors and i'm starting to think it's too much. i use to wear brown shadows all the time, in fact, it's still one of my favorite shadow colors but i haven't worn brown (just brown) in 2 years. i started experimenting with colors (shadows) a couple of years ago and i LOVE colors!! it's hard for me to want to just look 'normal' (for a lack of a better word). i want to wear blues, greens, yellows, purples, pinks, and so forth and on a daily basis NOT just for going out. otherwise i can't justify my collection (and believe me i don't even have that much!). in the end, i think i look great. i love my makeup. i really do. i just get self conscience sometimes especially when i am at school and with my friends and they look soooo bare faced. standing next to them i look sooo made up! (doesn't help since all they wear are jeans and t shirts and I LOVE LOVE clothes and hate hate t-shirts LOL) i don't know. i think i will try to tone down my makeup for a while to see how i feel.

weekend!!

2009-08-03T01:21:00.001-07:00

so i spent the weekend in Kona (Big Island) at the King Kamehameha Beach hotel (btw hotel doesn't look like anything special outside but is absolutely gorgeous inside) and loved it! Saturday evening we walked down Alii Drive to Outback for an early dinner. we were both starving!! of course our cocktails came first and we downed them (delicious fruity ones!) and was buzzed within 7 minutes. it was hilarious! my husband started laughing at everything and i was giggly myself. my ribs were great! spent sunday at Kua Bay, an amazing white sand (SOFT), all day. the water was perfect! not chilly at all and not too surprisingly salty. and as my husband napped, i built this sand cake (no, not castle- cake's easier to make). it was huge!! then had dinner at Roy's with my bud in waikaloa before heading home. it was such a relaxing weekend and i really had an amazing time!!

my gf reminded me at dinner that school starts in two weeks and i was like...FREAK! two weeks!! WHAAAAA... cause i forgot it was already august!

hopeless romantic

2009-08-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

i just finished watching Jane Erye and i am such a sap! hahahahaha! i also watched Emma (starring Gwen Paltrow and Ewan McGregor)! i wanted to watch something romantic and inspiring and just ... wonderful. yes, i am totally in one of my "sappy" moods. hehehe. my husband came home with a beautiful, absolutely beautiful orchid for me today. he also booked us a mini vacation for the weekend. i am so excited and of course i was so surprised! i am very lucky, this i know.

jane erye said something to the effect of, "you are very lucky to have found someone whom you love and loves in like that in return. not very many people find that in life..." and so here's from me to you all out there... i hope you find that someone perfect just for you to spend your life with... whether that be a companion, a wonderful friend, a lover, a spouse, or even just a next door neighbor, i hope you fill your life with love!

(i must sound like a cheesy radio personality right now! HAHAHAHA!)

losing weight

2009-07-31T06:17:00.001-07:00

i've been saying this for forever (seriously) and i'm thinking that i will have better success if i put it in writing so that's what i am doing.

i've never been a big girl and i'm not saying i am one, but i am definitely heavier now. actually this is the heaviest i have ever been and it's hard! growing up, of course i had self image issues and all but i never realized how thin i really was (lame, i know!!) and thus i couldn't appreciate it. now that i am heavier, i find shopping more difficult. fit is such an important thing and without proper fit, nothing looks good. i also have a lot of clothes that i can't part with but i can't fit anymore so losing weight should solve that dilemma.

so my current weight is 130 lbs and i would like to be 115 lbs. that's 15 lbs i have to get rid of. i have the eating healthy down pretty good so all i have to worry about is the exercise part. it's summer, no school gym, so i will do my P90X three times a week. i hate the gym. it's so boring for me! but i am getting older and i want to be not just thin but physically fit. when i turn 30, i want to be HAWT! i want to feel amazing. turning 30 isn't a big deal for me, age isn't a big deal, but i want to be those amazing women who look better the older they get! the ones' whose bodies look amazing! that's my goal!

so i will keep track on my weight weekly (trying not to weigh myself on a daily basis) and record when i do workout so that i actually work out! mind games, silly, but definitely worth a try!!